Racial Progress for the Biracial Couple

Last week I went to see "Selma" with a friend who is Black. After the emotional movie ended, he said, "Well, I think we've made some progress since then because I'm dating a White woman and no one has tried to kill me."

This isn't progress compared to 1966. I'm mixed and was born less than a decade after the march to Montgomery. As far as I know, no one tried to kill my dad during his short-lived marriage to my mom.

Decline in violence is a low bar for measuring progress. "No one tried to kill me" should be a given. Interracial couples being a norm shouldn't even be a measuring bar. What other people do with each other is, in the long run, unlikely to truly impact you. So, while some folks like to get heated about gay marriage or their trust-funded daughter running around with "the help," most of us really don't care.

What most people care about, on some level, is money and power. When other people have it and we don't, we get frustrated and sometimes hateful. When we have it, we work to keep it. Historically, this looks like preventing other people from getting it too.

Decades of people of color having an unimpaired path to money and power - in the voting booth, in our neighborhoods, in the work place - was a problem in 1966 and is still a problem today. I'll know we've made progress when all schools are funded so all children have access to a complete education and positive learning environment. I'll believe we've made progress when an election goes by without a single story of voting rights being blocked. We can all quietly enjoy the signs of progress when a Black person accomplishes something great and no one says, "She's the first African American widget inventor."

Being mixed is not big deal. Being in a biracial relationship is even less of a big deal. None of us Shackleton, exploring unknown seas and surviving without support for months.You're just two people doing something about as weird as wearing a shirt inside out.

The big deal, like Really Big Deal, is when any of us, no matter what color we are, actively do something to share our path to money, power, ease and happiness with other people. Tutor, volunteer for voter registration, donate to a worthy (by your estimation) cause, hold the door for someone who looks different from you. Being unafraid of bringing others with you as you rise, that's progress.

Cheerios Commercial Shows the New Normal

Kudos to Cheerios. They have a commercial with a mixed family. Unlike a few folks across the U.S., they don't make a big deal out of it. They did a nice job of making sure that we hear the little girl call the White woman mom before pouring a box of Cheerios on her Black dad's chest.

The first time I saw it, I wondered if I understood the situation correctly. Surprising, considering my household looked almost exactly like the one in the commercial for a few years. The second time, I was like, "Cool. And during prime time!"

Mixed couples are not an anomaly. Children of interracial couples are more common than children of gay families. Strangely, on TV, there are a couple shows that have gay parents but, as far as I know, none that have a black parent and a white parent. Nice to see this version of the new normal.

Mixed Kid Problems

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Mixed kids’ problems are first-world problems. They aren’t things like “no access to fresh water” or “school is 20 miles away and the bus broke down.” I’m just saying, as a group, we may have our gripes but, in the grand scheme, it could be worse. That said, here's a few, starting from the top:

1. One or both of your parents has no idea what to do with your hair. Everyone knows it’s not right, but no one knows how to fix it.
2. Hats - thanks to our hair, hats are often not our friend. Curls are great, except when they've been mashed down. And, if you're a girl with short curly hair, you will be called a boy when wearing a hat. Trust me, I know.
3. You don’t look like you belong to your father. Out in public, people ask, “Are you ok?” and “Is that strange man (a.k.a. your dad) bothering you?” 
4.  You don’t look like you belong to your mom. After seeing her, the other kids tease you about being adopted or wonder “Is that your babysitter?”
5. Wrinkles…maybe? Most brown-skinned people have thicker skin that wrinkles less. Mixed kids, no matter what their complexion, aren’t guaranteed that anti-wrinkle power.
6. Mixed = Caramel complexion, light eyes or wavy hair (or all of the above). Except we’re not all made that way. Mass disappointment (see bullet 8).
7. Lingering looks that lead to the question, “What are you?” or “Where are you from?” and “But where are your parents from?”
8. Mass exposure to racism. Being racially ambiguous means you’re more likely to hear it all.
9. Disappointing your blind dates. I blame Halle Berry, Lolo Jones, Lenny Kravitz and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for setting the bar too high!  

If these are the biggest problems you face in life, count yourself lucky. Surviving being mixed doesn't have to be hard. Simply hope you aren’t tender-headed while your parents work out their beautician skills. Fight the right battles and try to let everything else roll off your back. Avoid society’s beauty stereotypes and figure out what’s good about you. And, when preparing for a blind date, tell them you’re mixed, you know... like Malcolm Gladwell.

Interracial dating

One of the by-products of being mixed, for me, is that I don't have a good sense of what topics are off limits. For example, the question and possible answers below might not be comfortable (but they might be, I'm honestly unsure). But I've been wondering, so I thought I'd ask...

Why have most of the Black men I know dated non-Black women but almost none of the White men I know have dated non-White women?

Possible answers:
A: It's easier for Whites to find other White people with similar values, so there's no need to diversify. In essence, where one lives and works provides White people with enough options, they don't have to go on dating sites and say they are open to dating anyone.
B: It's less acceptable to date outside the race for White men. There's no historical precedent, no one died for their right to do it and maybe they feel like they have a duty to continue the White race. Dating Latinas or Black women is taking romance to strange new places and messes up the biological imperative.
C: The myths about Black men (big @#$%s) make them more appealing to other races than the myths about White guys (no rhythm) so they get more opportunities to mingle.
D: There's more status to be gained for a Black man when he dates a White or Asian woman than there is for a White man if he dates a non-White woman.
E: Black women are scary, Asian women tend to stick to their own and Latinas are sexy but not marriage material.
F: Other? 

Just some thoughts as I wrap up my Tuesday. xo